remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
