he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
