i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
