my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
