no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
The Olympian is in my bed
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
