When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
