Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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