and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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