so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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