I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
