Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
