now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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