Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
