dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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