I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
