I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
