I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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