You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
