Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
