I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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