i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
