I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
