he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
