I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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