can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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