just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
