Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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