I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
