she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
