i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Randomize
