i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
