i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
