There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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