Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
