So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
