Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
