I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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