I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
