Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
