I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
