Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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