Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
