mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
