I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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