Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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