You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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