Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
