Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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