Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
