this boner is exhausting
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
That accounts for only three of the penises
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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