Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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