Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
