i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
