This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
