My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
